Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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