i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
