This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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