i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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