I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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