how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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