Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
