I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
