i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
