It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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