You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
