I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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