my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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