Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
