i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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