Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
