oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
