Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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