My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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