I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
