There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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