I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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