i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
