just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
