Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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