party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
