I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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