why do cheetos always look like penises
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
