If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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