I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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