this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
