I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
