he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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