i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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