Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
