I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think I won the penis lottery.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
