Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
