i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
