i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
there's paper in my vomit.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
