Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
