So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
