It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
