btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
