I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
