Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize