I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
