Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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