do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
