she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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