Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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