I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
