my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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