note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
