Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize