i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize