grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
