I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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