i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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